Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
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Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I did not eat the cake…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza