My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
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M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals