me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?