BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
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When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*