the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
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After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I occasionally drink every single night.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Every work call, he judges.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows