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I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
oppen heimer style lol
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes