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Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.