[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
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If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms