I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
You Might Also Like
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Whoa 😂
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Does beer think about me too?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”