[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
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I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?