This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Venn
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My what?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.