“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”