Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
You Might Also Like
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”