I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
wtf management?!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat