Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for