My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
You Might Also Like
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?