My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.