Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Good advice.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.