If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
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Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Realize this:
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way