I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
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I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!