The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*