Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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A French press is when you hug naked
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
My favorite female superhero
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?