“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
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Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The biggest mystery of our time
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
just having fun
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.