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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Don’t talk down to me
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer