I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible