My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
*mops up wine with cat*
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.