*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
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A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Hero horse inspires millions
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”