It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
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Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout