A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
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“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.