A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
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How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.