If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
same energy
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
If I ignore life will it go away?