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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me too, bag. Me too….
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please