4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
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“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.