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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
put ‘er there pardner!
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.