[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.