Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.