I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
your honor my client chooses dare
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Pickled cat.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…