Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
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Finally, a door that understands me
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
This was the best day of my life
I hope this email finds you in a well
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around