Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.