I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks