“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
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Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores