I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Jesus Christ lmao
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit