Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
You Might Also Like
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
What the hell happened in there??
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.