23. the denim jacket
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
incredible text to wake up to
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
How is it still this week?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.