Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
wut hotdog?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep