gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
#dalle2
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?