I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
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if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Meanwhile in Canada…
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back