FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf