Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
God, I love Scotland
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
What
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Cndnsd Mlk