[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
There are no pants in heaven.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins